I cried on the way home from the cabin last night. I realized I only have a few days left as Rachel the wife, sister, friend, etc minus the title of mom. And I just don’t know if I’m ready and/or prepared for this new adventure/responsibility.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to meet Baby Z (whenever she decides to show up seeing as she’s due in 2 days). I am just overwhelmed by all the changes that are happening/about to happen. I had been totally fine up until this point but now that the bassinet is next to my side of the bed, the glider/rocker is in the reading nook of our bedroom, and the “go-bag” is packed and in the car, I am suddenly hit with the reality of having a little one join our family. Whoa.
I think the hardest part for me is something has haunted me my entire life: a fear of failure. Ask any athletic coach or teammate I’ve ever had and they can probably tell you that I struggled with the right motivation for success…I would play too many basketball games trying not to screw up rather than just playing with abandon. When I finally figured out how to let go and just go for it, my game totally transformed. There were glimpses of that throughout high school but I really didn’t figure it out until college, and even then it took a lot of creative and firm *ahem* encouragement from coaches and teammates.
Basically, people have told me that I am good at certain things and then I don’t want to let them down, hence the fear of failure. Whether the expectations are put on me by myself or others, I definitely feel a burden to fulfill said expectations. I also happen to be quite the perfectionist and really only do things that I think I might be good at (and some of my friends have given me a hard time for being good at everything I try, but they might have missed this small detail about what I choose to do…).
That background out there, I have been told by more than a few people that I am going to be a great mom. Well, what if I’m not? What if it’s really, really hard and I can’t do it? (Duh, Rachel, of course it’s going to be hard) What about when I don’t know what to do and just want to quit?
Do you see why I got overwhelmed?
I know, I know…the right response to this whole thing is that God never puts us through something we can’t handle with Him at our side/in front of us/behind us/carrying us. You know, I’m going to be honest: sometimes that’s really hard to remember. Maybe I’m not as good of a Christian as some of ya’ll but I find it surprisingly easy to forget. Which makes me even more mad at myself (perpetuating the failure thing), because I know that is totally my fault for being such a control freak and going through the other, easier parts of life on my own rather than including Him in everything I do so that when I get to the really big stuff I’m not wondering how the heck I’m going to pull something off.
So…what to do?
“Read your Bible. Pray more.” Any other cookie cutter Christian answers? Guess what, that’s really all there is to do! Now if only I was more disciplined (oh look, something else to fail at!). That’s how my brain works. It really shouldn’t, and that is actually something I have been praying for/about.
I have been working my way towards that over this past summer and I thankfully have found something that has encouraged me to at least be interacting with His Word more often since I am still struggling with being directly in the Word: playing the guitar and singing worship songs. I find it much easier to worship Him through music, especially when I either play and sing myself or listen to gospel music.
I’m going to be real with you: I give myself a “prize” if I read the Bible for at least 10 minutes in the morning…I get to play the guitar/sing for another 10 minutes. That sounds horrible, but it is a struggle for me to focus (for how good of a reader I am in general, that sounds ridiculous, I know). However, it works for me and I’ve increased the number of days a week I read/play so my next goal is to increase the number of minutes as well as wean myself off the guitar playing prize.
All that being said, after some good praying in the middle of the night seeing as I wake up at least once to go to the bathroom (and last night because I was unbearably hungry!), I definitely felt more at peace. Still not comfortable, I read my Bible and played some guitar this morning. Then I hopped on the computer to write this. I put Pandora on to my favorite gospel station (“Byron Cage Radio”) and the first song that played was his song, “Faithful to Believe,” hence the title of this page. If you’ve never heard it, click here and listen to it on YouTube.
Talk about encouragement! In the first line, Byron asks, “Is there anything too hard for the Lord?” to which the choir responds, “No no no no.” Obviously I’m going to get good stuff from a gospel station but right away, a song about God’s faithfulness? He definitely knew what I needed.
I’m going to be okay. I will be faithful to believe that He can do anything. Including bolstering me continuously on this adventure of motherhood. I just wish I could get myself out of the way sometimes so I can actually let it sink in.
Enough honesty for today…there will be plenty more to come once Baby Z shows up. In the meantime, check out a few photos taken today by myself or my sister with our new, really fancy digital SLR camera. Ben knows me WAY too well and my highest love language happens to be gifts…so as a thank you/gift for going through labor (which I haven’t done yet), he got me/us an awesome camera with a few extra bells and whistles. We’re still playing with it but enjoy a few from me playing with the filters/attachments/etc…